I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
