That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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