So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
