Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
