Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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