you would pick up someone in the library
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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