I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
