What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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