So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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