We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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