No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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