dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just threw up on my dentist
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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