I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
time to smoke my breakfast
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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