Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
