I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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