I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
