I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
