why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
