Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
