She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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