You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I got inside last night via doggy door
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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