I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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