Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Success! We fucked roommates!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
