Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
