Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
