i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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