when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
