I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
