Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
