So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
