i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
