There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
