note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
MIDGETS
????
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
