You really coming over, don't trick.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
