i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
