it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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