the condom got lost in my hair
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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