Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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