I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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