he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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