why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
