the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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