i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
