You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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