I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
