I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
