Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
