i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm both gender and math confused
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
