The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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