Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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