I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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