After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
