Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
