my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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