I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize