PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
