i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
