i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
