my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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