i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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