i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
