yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
