I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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