I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just high enough for therapy.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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