Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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