Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i believe in u and ur pee
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
