I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
