and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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