I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
