did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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