I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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