Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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